Snap: the other side

By R. Lakshminarayan

Hyderabad

(At an utterly useless place called a coffee shop)

1500 hrs

Me: The weather is bad. I thought Hyderabad was a pleasant place.

Contra (Nisheet): u moron, after staying here for two days and ordering water for over two hours in an expensive coffee house all you can think about is the weather?

Me: what? You expect me to discuss my erotic nightfalls with u?

Contra: your conscience doesn’t bother me the least. But come on man, ordering water? I would prefer sneaking into the ladies bathroom to kill time.

Me (laughing loudly): Ok. I just had a question in my mind; what the hell are we doing in this place?

Contra: there is a purpose for our existence, because animals just sleep, drink and fornicate. We have been blessed with the faculty of imagination and reasoning.

Me: Do u think dogs don’t dream about having sex with Carmen Electra?

Contra: On the contrary that is a question of true carnal desires in an animal.Hence, my argument about animals fornicating for no reason holds true.

Me: (murkily) see, now you are behaving like a virgin.

Contra: Ha-ha (condescendingly). Although your exploits with hot chicks is promising and widespread, I can only imagine a sweaty nada reaching for his groin when the real situation arises.

Me: whoa! And you think you are the ideal ladies man who would open the door to the strippers club for a lesbian?

Contra: At least, I accept my shortcomings with a woman.

Me: Don’t you think women are just too busy wondering about their looks all the while. Take for example, that woman, standing near the counter. Look at her ass, the clothes she is wearing would cost nothing more than a weasel in a flea market. Yet she flaunts it as if she was born with her booty. We are just like animals, watching her ass swing to tunes which are primarily non existent.

Contra: Exactly my point, great work in literature has been inspired by women. Our cornerstone of imagination may rest in the assets of a woman, but that also gives us an opportunity to think. A dog on the other hand would think of getting inside her pants.

Me: so you mean to say that our existence is meant for running a doughnut factory.

Contra: yes. That’s the worst way to put it, but our faculty of thought deconvolutes the picture of a woman from a nuclear reactor.

Me: Are u talking about the control rods in the reactor?

Contra: Don’t give me the 10th class science crap. You are just trying to sound intelligent. I want to just make sure you acknowledge this issue more critically. The purpose of any invention is to make sure that the inventor gets a decent fuck.

Me: Yeah? What about the thong? What about robots?

Contra: I really don’t know how to correlate both the questions. They definitely have different explanations. One is related to our sexual desires and the other relates to our la….

Me: (interrupting) if I were you, I would say that a robot doesn’t give a shit about a thong, and females don’t give a crap about robots.

Contra: whoa! Evidently your obsession with women can only indicate that your male chauvinism is revealing its ugly face yet again. I think the only love you have ever experienced is with men. You are a pseudo-gay.

Me: What do you want me to say? See, I only believe that girls can be thought “obstructive”. In fact if we were gals, guys would be thought obstructive.

Contra: I just feel that you cannot control your desire to impress the girl u admire the most. In which case, you would leave no stone unturned to seek sexual gratification. In a way, u would wear your pants inside out, just to impress her. Let me imagine a situation where you are trapped in a jungle. What will be your first reaction?

Me: Sha..

Contra: Wait! Let me complete. You will scratch your balls. That’s all.

Me: what is your point?

Contra: Well, you will never even realize that you are trapped.

Me: Shit! Finally you made sense.

Contra: I know. Wakai (pronounced – wak – e-y i) (Hindi for ‘really’, ‘evidently’)

Me: I think your theory on human beings is flawed on grounds of diversity.

Contra: You referring to the fact that Americans weigh more than their IQ?

Me: Well, it is just that some people have purposes other than just fornication. For example a cook makes good food because he loves food. A Sufi musician sees soul in his music. We just have to admit that the purpose of living is really something which cannot be written down on a piece of paper.

Contra: You are just shitting me now.

Me: Yes, Shit. I thought you would buy that.

Contra: Let us take a practical standpoint. Adam and eve are more than mythical characters. Even though, I was a little cranky about eve doing it with her father, the important thing to realize is that even god wants us to know that sex rocks.
History speaks for itself.

Me: There is something which is anomalous in all this. You have never had sex. Still, you vouch for it. Say you don’t like it. Probably, it’s been too hyped up.

Contra: That’s absurd. The excitement of getting some action makes our life worth living.

Me: But surely you wouldn’t know if you like Disney land unless you see Disney land for yourself.

Contra: Disney land sucks. I would rather watch my gardener scratch his scrotum.

Me: That was a figure of speech you moron.

Contra: I Know. Wakai!

Me: I just mean to say that we read eulogies about sex being the ultimate thing.
Unless we experience the real stuff, we should refrain from commenting on it.

Contra: What about nude ladies?

Me: I have to agree that they turn me on. So it would be apt if we stuck to the zeroth base.

Contra: what in the name of pigeon’s shit is that.

Me: You know. Talking to women. Why is it so difficult?

Contra: It aint so difficult if you stare at their boobs while they are talking. And they think we are good listeners.

Me: Well I am not trying to be chivalrous here, but why don’t gals do so?

Contra: Because we have something which is conveniently far below our waist and we have to zip it up and take care of it when it gets an erection. It’s more like taking care of a baby which will trouble you when it’s raining.

Me: That makes sense. But I still don’t see how men relate more to assets than beauty?

Contra: it’s the rule of compromise. (Grammar not relevant) If she don’t have a good second floor, look at the first floor. Not satisfied, go for the ground floor but have a look at the rear balcony view only. (Winks).

Me: You wink horribly. Anyway, these forms of arguments really tire me. I mean houses? Are we short of creativity here?

Contra: Ok. We could assume them to be like a triple- decker bus and…

Me: (interrupts) a bus!! U would rather compare women with a drug addicted hedgehog.

Contra: What?? Where did a hedgehog come from? You must have sucked at biology or anatomy.

Me: it’s difficult to picturize the analogy but you will be there one day.

Contra: My point is, let us try it out. Let us do something that nature wants us to do.

Me: Ok. You got me. How did u know that I have to take a shit?

Contra: I was talking about us hitting on the same girl.

Me: (changing the subject) Sorry, but If you want to marry me you have to ask more romantically.

Contra: (cynically) would you like to have champagne?

Me: Depends. Have you hidden a ring inside the bottle, and paid the waitress to do a lap dance for me?

Contra: no. I paid a transvestite to hump a camel.

Me: Camels are born humped!

Contra: (brushing the cynicism aside) anyway, look at that chick that just entered the shop. I guess we should ask her out.

Me: Why not? Why don’t we ask her how she got AIDS and herpes together?

Contra: What??

Me: If a hot gal like herself comes alone to a coffee shop, she has the following problems. She is a whore or she has fooled herself into believing that she is a whore or she is a whore and she doesn’t know about it or she is called a whore by guys and nobody goes out with her because she is damaged goods or she was born in a whore house which also did a retail on pretty clothes, or she is married and her boyfriend is nailing a whore or she has some disease in her genitals caused a man whore or she decided to stop whoring around for a while or she is pregnant with a crack baby after whoring around and decided to satisfy her pregnant cravings with a chocolate soufflé or she has AIDS and Herpes together. I would prefer the most optimistic option here.

Contra: The crack whore option is more optimistic.

Me: Come on, now you are reaching out to your sentimental side.

Contra: Wait a minute! I Know her. I saw her at a party in my office.

Me: Your office holds parties? For what? Celebrating their genius of enslaving people for wages that will not even cover your condom insurance?

Contra: No. the boss gets to run his parallel dream playboy mansion. In order to renew his stock he runs a periodic check, reference: “party”, to nail the latest silicon implanted intern.

Me: Now you are getting optimistic and chivalrous.

Contra: What? I just made fun of women.

Me: No. You denigrated your boss. Technically, women were just an accessory in this context and it is socially acceptable to refer to women as objects in a grammatically accurate English sentence.

Contra: I understand your misery. You cannot stand anything in the society. In fact you would love to remove your pants and run around naked just to shake the foundations of the society. But since you are not doing it, I am bound to believe that you still believe in the foundations of a society.

Me: (silent)

Contra: Hey Deepika! How are you (gesturing to a hot chick)?

Gal: Hey Nisheet. Long time yaar. How have you been?

Me: (murmuring) she just met you last weekend. How long does she masturbate thinking about you? I guess not much. That’s why she misses you.

Gal: Excuse me. What was that? Who is this guy?

Contra: He is a friend from Bangalore.

Me: Hello. How are you enjoying the weather?

Gal: It’s a little hot. But had a lot of fun this weekend, shopping with my friends. Then I went to a party yesterday and the DJ was really cool. I gave him my number.

Me: How much do you charge for an hour?

Gal: PARDON?

Contra: oh! No no. he meant to ask you your name.

Me: I know her name. What was it? E-Shit-AA

Contra: no man. Her name is Deepika.

Me: O sorry! Deep-Shit – Ahhhh.

Gal: (squirming with anger) are you a masochist.

Me: I bet you don’t know what it means.

Gal: I know what it means. FYI, it means you are a Sexist.

Me: Whoa! You certainly have daddy issues.

Gal: What does that mean?

Contra: He just meant that you are sexually attracted to your father and you seek guys older than you just because you want to do it with your father. In the process you don’t mind getting pregnant and in fact you want to punish your dad by sleeping with a guy who doesn’t know the difference between a condom vending machine and a urinal. Eventually your dad will find out that you are sleeping with a loser and you will enjoy his misery. But my friend didn’t mean that. He is just a little outspoken.

Gal: Listen! I dint understand what you said, but you are jerks. I cannot stoop down to your level.

Me: I would like you to just honor the stooping down part. I would do the rest.

Contra: he meant that he wouldn’t mind getting a blow job from…

Gal: (Still squirming) (interrupting) shut up! I know what he meant. (Leaves fuming)

Me: Too bad she had a sweet ass.

Contra: Well done. No wonder you can never get laid.

Me: Come on man! You expect me to be nice?

Contra: Ok! Her equally attractive friend is here. Don’t screw up.

Me: (silent)

Contra: Hey Avantika. How are you?

Gal 2: (curiously attractive) Hey!

Me: Her name is hardly horny.

Gal 2: Yeah! My dad knew that. What’s your name?

Me: It’s Lakshminarayan.

Gal 2: Well hard to believe that your parents were sober when they named you. They must not have spotted the Junk in your bush covered groin when you were born.

Me: Kids don’t experience puberty when they are born

Gal 2: Really!! (Condescendingly) Have you reached the age when your pubes appear?
Oh My! I really didn’t know.

Contra: Well we call him nada.

Gal 2: Should have guessed that. So you were ridiculed for your half girlish name in
your childhood?

Me: No I had to just hang out my trunk to shut their mouths.

Gal 2: Let’s hope it doesn’t get stuck in my throat.

Me: I love her.

Gal 2: Hey Nisheet. How about we go for dinner tomorrow.

Me: Great. I would love to join you guys.

Gal 2: I was trying to talk to the man in the room.

Me: My zip is open.

Gal 2: Do you always try to validate your identity like that.

Me: No. Mr. Weiner likes to have fresh hair.

Gal 2: Phew. You are obnoxious.

Me: I am sorry. I didn’t mean to talk like that. I was just …

Gal 2: Ok. I forgive you. So Nisheet, what do you say.

Me: He is Contra.

Gal 2: yeah! Right! And I am your bed partner… in our dreams of course.

Me: I dint make a sexist comment.

Gal 2: Oops I dint know you were making useful conversation. Say Nisheet lets do it today. You free tonight?

Contra: Yes, ye, sure. I will just buy some condoms.

Gal 2: (naughtily) who told you that you are getting lucky tonight?

Contra: Well. It’s not that. I love to see the jealous expressions on the face of my pharmacist when I buy them.

Gal 2: that is what I like about you man. You are so sensitive.

(Nisheet and gal move out)


Me: (to myself) she has to be my future wife.

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Scene 2

Next day

Same crappy place called a coffee shop

1500 hrs

Me: Hey dog! You humped her left and right I guess?

Contra: No man. She was a whore. She just wanted to make her boyfriend jealous.

Me: I think you should be calling yourself a whore.

Contra: Shit man. But I feel good.

Me: Why? U shaved your balls?

Contra: You wanted her badly. It was evident. She was too smart wasn’t she? She turned you on. You were all over the place. I’m sure you feel high and dry. I’m sure you felt jealous of me. That one moment was just enough for me. That was my victory.

Me: Fuck. You are right. I wanted her. She was damn smart.

Contra: Guess we were wrong about gals after all?

Me: I was right about the whore part though. The whole monologue meant something.

Contra: Give it a rest. We never get what we want. The more we want something, the more we end up losing

Me: You sound like a fucked up Afghani in a refugee camp.

Contra: Well I guess we were right about females.

Me: I think so too. They are all whores.

Contra: So how is the climate of Bangalore…?

The End

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Note: the situation presented above is fictitious. The reader is entitled to make his own observations. No criticism on the quality language will be tolerated as it was assumed to be necessary and is based on actual conversations. The nature of the conversation is unique but is also according to the psyche of two unordinary individuals.